"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost."

for me, this quote is 100% true. this is natalie. my little sister. i am 19 and she is 4. we have just over 14 years between us and she came into my life january 27th 2006. i was in the 8th grade at the time and couldnt be more excited. the day she was born i could not wait to hold her in my arms and be the best big sister i could be to her. i will remember the day she was born and the first two weeks of her life like they were yesturday. they rushed her from the c-section room to the nursery. all i remember see was this fat face wrapped up in a little hospital blanket. i knew something was wrong when they barely let us see her. turns out, i was right. shes inhaled blood that then went into her lungs. this kept her in the hospital and for her family only to see her through a window. her first 2 weeks of life were the hardest and she spent them hooked up to machines, iv's, feeding tubes. you name it, she had it attached to her. even though she looked like this little fat baby, she wasnt. she was just swollen. she was in stage 3 NICU and that is an experience i will never forget. rows and rows of babys. sick babies. some that wouldnt live through the night and their familys were spending their last moments with them. premature babies that were as small as your hand. honestly, it was depressing and it made me change my mind about being a NICU nurse. my biggest fear was that my little sister wouldnt make it through these challenges and that i would never get to hold her. and with her hooked up to all of those machines made me scared to even touch her little hand. but ever since the day my sister was born shes been a fighter. she made it through all of that though and got to come home the day february 13th 2006. all my mom wanted was to have my sister home for valentines day and she got her wish. life for me has never been the same since.  this little girl is my world and has been since i saw her being rolled down the hallway. i felt my life change when she was brought into. i love her and couldnt imagin life without her. and im glad that i never have to! shes my little shadow and i wouldnt have it any other way! :)

she had a tough first few years and was always getting sick. everytime she did it was the fear of her having to be back in the hospital. luckyly now shes so much healthier and i couldnt be more happy! yes now she is four years old and growing like a weed, but she reminds me to find the joys in the simple things. and with her, i do get a little bit of childhood again. shes my little booger and means the world to me. natalie is my half sister. but to me, it doesnt feel like it and i dont care what DNA or anything along those lines say. she is my sister. we share the same mom but have a different dad. but that too doesnt matter. ron is like a father to me. hes been there through everything and has watched me grow. i think (besides me and natalie) that he is the best thing that has ever happened to my mom. he makes her happy. and seeing my mom happy makes me happy. theyve been married for just over 5 years. and they gave me the best sister i could ever ask for. without my parents i honestly dont know where i would be in life. my whole family has a huge part in my life and they are all there for me, but these three people mean the world to me. something about coming home and just feeling the love (even if its a bad day and were all cranky, or were in the same room having conversations on facebook) we love eachother and thats all a family needs. but theres something special about natalie. we have a bond that no one can break or change. since the first time i held her it was there.



<-- this little girl is my world. even though shes four she understands me. and as weird as this may sound, shes my best friend. having me as her sister has in a way made her grow up to fast. she says stuff that you wouldnt expect a four year old to say, she like to have her hair and make up like mine, and she loves anything and everything to do with twilight<3 she talks boys with me, she jokes with me, and we can sit there and laugh about anything. i write her a journal. not like id give it to her, but for me it just helps me write to her to express my emotions. one day i will be able to talk to her about everything and she will have enough life experence to help me. but like i said. shes four. her biggest issue in life is when spongebob isnt on tv. no matter what happens in my life or during my day, i can walk in the door and she will turn the corner, look at me and yell, "SISSY!" and she will be running as fast as she can, wrap he arms around my legs and hug me. thats the best feeling. knowing i have someone who looks up to me. i look up to my mom, natalie looks up to me. yes, ive taught he some bad things and its true that little kids brains are like sponges because she remembers EVERYTHING! but were also like typical sisters. we fight, bicker, tease, scream, cry. you name an issue you have with your sister whos close in age, i have with mine. i will go to the ends of the earth for her. shes my number one and my everything. the song by taylor swift, never grow up, is my song to her. my life would be incomplete without her.

the monster within..

i have really developed anger issues lately. i take it out on anyone and everyone and i really need to learn to stop. i go to bed angry or pissed off and when i wake up im just not in the mood for the day. ive been self pittying my self and honestly i hate the person that ive become. last night i started writing in a journal. its basically a letter to my little sister because if she was old enough id talk to her about all of my problems. but right now shes not. i wrote about my day, then i wrote about all the feelings ive ever had (good or bad) for the boy that screwed me over yet again. today i woke up feeling refreshed and new. its a great feeling and i plan on keeping it up.

i want to get back to the old me. the always happy and go lucky me. im going to. im determined. i know im more than strong enough for it and its honestly time for me to get my head out of high school. i always tell everyone that were not in high school anymore so we need to stop acting like it, but honestly i myself have kinda still been living in the past. i just turned 19 last week. its my last year being a teenager. its time for me to start acting like an adult.

every year around new years i say that this year is going to be different. it starts off different but guess what. every year ends up the same as the one before. but not this time. im in college, i have a job, i have the most amazing family and my friends, theyre the best. im done trying to always make things in life better and make sure people are in my life. im going to learn to start walking away and moving on to bigger and better things.

within the last year ive burnt a lot of bridges and lost people who were once the most important things to me. ive realized that in some ways i was wrong and that its not all their fault. its just easier to blame them than realizing that you yourself is wrong. its time to grow up. and this is what i plan on doing. i shouldnt take my life for granted or take the people for granted in my life because honestly, people would kill to have the life i have. starting today, a new me is born :) im just upset it took me this long to realize.

and i see your true colors;

statement of my life lately. i guess ive always been in my own world and seen what i want to see. believe what i want to, and do what i want. i learned within the last few months who my true friends were and who werent.

you never think that your high school friends would turn on you in the blink of an eye; but they do. my mom tells me that you never stay friends with your high school friends. its the ones you make after high school that stick with you. and honestly, i believe it. high school is all about the numbers. how many friends you have. but what about after high school? the more friends you have, the more drama.

drama seems to follow me everywhere i go. i hate drama but somehow i always make my way through it. stronger than i was before and with new life lessons under my belt. since ive graduated, ive grown up a lot, become a new person (a person that i like and i dont care if you dont) and learned who my true friends are and seen a lot of peoples true colors.



shayla & jordyn<3

 these two girls right here, are there for me till the end. i never would of expected that these two would end up my best friends, but they are. without them by my side in the last few months i dont know what i would of done. when i had no one to turn to, they were there. these girls have been through a lot. and put them together and i dont think there is something that they havent gone through. theyre strong, beautiful, caring, loving, and everything. they will be my friends till the end. i will fight for them. even if i know they may be wrong about things, they mean the world to me. there isnt anyone in this world that will ever change that.



zachary<3

 this boy right here, hes my best friend. we fight, bicker, pick on eachother but thats just how we are. weve had many ups and downs but every relationship does. hes been there for me when i need him and ive been there for him. it will be that way till the day the earth stands still. yes i know how he can be and sometimes i just wanna shake him, but i still love him. zachary overbay, i love you kid!

these three will be by my side from this day forward. yes i do have more other friends, but these three, they mean the world to me. when i needed someone they all stood up and filled the empty spot. their true colors are bright and they complete my life. its like that dumb hannah montana song:

"true friends will go to the ends of the earth till they find the things you need. friends hang on through the ups and the downs, cause they've got someone to believe in."

i believe in them and they believe in me. which in the end, is all i need. someone to believe in me!

growing up.

remember when getting high ment swinging on the playground?

when the only things you could get from boys were cooties?

dads sholders were the highest place on earth and mom was the hero?

your worst enemes were your siblings.

race issues were who ran the fastest.

war was only a card game.

the only drug you knew was cough medicine.

the only time he would tell you he didnt want to see you was when you were playing hide n seek.

the only things that hurt you were skinned knees, and goodbyes were untill tomorrow?

and to think.. we wanted to grow up!

i myself am guilty of feeling these things. i remember being little and couldnt wait to work, be in highschool, and start my own family. but man. within the last 10 years its gone from that, to this:

high now means, smoking pot just to have a better time.

you can get aids, pregnant, stds and even worse, a broken heart from boys.

depending on your family, dads shoulders are now not high anymore. the highest place is where ever you put yourself. and yes, moms are still the hero<3

siblings go from the worst enemes to some of your best friends.

people will judge you up and down because of what you are, how you look and how you were raised.

war is something we grow up with now. its second nature.

cough medicine is now no biggie. you have to watch out for the drugs that people give you you dont know about! like at parties.

guys break hearts. the worst thing to be heared, is i dont want to see you anymore.

goodbyes and see you laters are 500 times harder now. you know you wont see them everyday, you have to wait for holidays.

now, we wanna grow back down.

life, you need to take it step by step and be strong.