oh how the times have changed.

crazy how quick life can change. for the good or for the bad. its been awhile since ive last blogged but i can honestly say, i love my life.

my family is the best family in the world. my mom is my best friend and i cant imagine life without her. she knows me so well. ive been told its like were twins. my sister is a little bit of a pain from time to time, but we are really close and i have such a great time. shes sassy, spunky, and one of a kind. she says things you wouldnt imagine someone her age saying. my stepdad is mister fix it in my life. whenever something goes wrong, he can fix it. hes getting better with the whole, "girl issue" kind of things and is learning to understand girls a whole lot better. i have so much respect for him and so much love for them and the rest of my family.

my boyfriend is so amazing. we have been together for the last 4 months. and let me tell you, they have been so great. he makes me smile on a daily basis and i can just be myself with him. its like we were made for each other. just like every one else we sometimes argue but it only makes us stronger. this is the first relationship that has ever had a strong base and we took time before we started dating. this is the first relationship that i see going anywhere and having a future. i cant picture life without him. hes my rock.

my best friend is my other half basically. our friendship has been a roller coaster ride. from enemies, to frienemies, to friends, to best friends. this girl has been by my side through thick and thin. she has seen me and my worst and has been my shoulder to cry on. in return, i have been there for her. our friendship is about to be put through another tough time but i know we will make it through it because we have a strong unforgettable bond. i love her and will make sure that she doesnt leave my life for a dumb reason. lately i have pushed myself away from her out of fear, but i need to stop because i cant always run away from my fears. distance is only a number, but with the technology that is out there now, there is no reason to let it get in the way.
other than them, things in my life are amazing! i finally bought a new car :) its the one that ive wanted for months and one finally became available in my price range! im building credit with it and im excited about that. school is going great. i love my classes this year and for some reason, now that im out of high school and basically doing my own thing, i love school! i hate the drive, traffic, and parking lot, but other than that, school makes me happy. work is awesome. i got my second raise of the year and i couldnt be more happy with where i work. i know for a fact that the career im choosing, will not be one that i regret. it makes me happy. work is work, some days i may feel like UGH why do i have to go? but then i think about how lucky i am to have the job that i do and i couldnt be more grateful. my life is simple. may seem boring to others, that all i do is school, work, hang out with my family, spend time with my boyfriend, and hang out with my best friend, but you know what, i wouldnt have my life any other way then it is right now♥

"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold."

ive really learned a lot about family in the last few years. when youre little you think your family is perfect. but in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect family. and as you get older you kind of create your own family.

ive learned you dont need to be blood to be a family. if you know me you know i have the worlds most complicated family. but i honestly dont think id have it any other way.

if youre blood related or not youre just as much family. my stepdads family has basically adopted me and made me one of the family. from the day they entered my life thats how its been. they are one of the best families and im so glad that theyre mine.

im a lucky one because i have 3 sets of grandparents. i had my dads. but sadly theyre both gone now and i miss them so much. then there are my moms. theyve been there since i was born and i do get to see them at every holiday which i am greatful for. and for the last 6 years ive had my stepdads parents. ive been worried and scared these last 2 days because my stepgrandpa had a heart attack. its scary thinking about the WHAT IF'S. those are the worst.

but like i said, as you get older you learn what really makes your family. you have those pathedic ones that you hate to admit are you family, you have the ones that you love the most. and then there are your friends and the family you create your self.

family is one of the most important things to me and i dont think that i would have it any other way.

theres always that time in your life when..

something happens and youre scared. more scared than you have ever been. something happened over the weekend that brought that back to me.

for starters, my mom is my best friend. shes the one who (not by choice) has been by my side since the day i was born. we have a bond that NO ONE can break. and its a relationship that i wouldnt change or give up. shes my hero and best friend and everything. i cant go a day without talking to her and i make sure that i ALWAYS say i love you to her. either when i leave or hang up the phone. even if im mad at her for something i always make sure to say it. why you make ask? you may think she knows it so why do you say it so often? reason: you never know whats going to happen in the blink of an eye.

two years ago i learned how true this statement really is.

it was thursday april 2nd at about 3 am. i was asleep in my room because it was a school night and that day we had to do group pictures for yearbook. then i hear my mom calling my name. how i heard her i dont know. i believe that god honestly knew something was wrong. at the moment i heard my name i was thinking to myself "lay here and act like i dont hear her and go back to sleep or find out what she wants" then i looked at the time. it was a weird hour. i figured she wanted me to check on the dogs or help with my little sister since my stepdad was on the road at this time. she told me to come here. her voice was to far for her to be in her room. so i walked half asleep to the kitchen. turned on the light and thats when this moment happened to me.

there she was. laying on the hardwood floor with a pile of blood coming out of her head. all of a sudden i was up. no longer tired and tears just started to pour out of my eyes. i asked her what happened and she told me she fell. i was so confused and in complete shock i didnt know what to do. ive never been so scared in my life. i knew i had to call 911 but it seems like time was standing still. i looked down at my mom unable to move with a pile of blood. i told her i was going to call 911 and she told me no. she wanted me to call my aunt so i could have someone there incase the firemen and paramedics wouldnt let me stay home alone with my two year old sister since i was only a sophomore in high school. so i called my aunt. i told her mom fell and there was a pile of blood and that she needed to come over. i hung up with her and then called 911. the lady told me to get a rag and hold it on my moms head. i didnt know where the blood was coming from so i held it in the direct area. the lady was so nice and calm. then she asked what happened. so i told her the story that my mom told me while i was waiting for the paramedics.

my mom wasnt feeling well and had a horrible headache and she went to the kitchen to get some motrin. the time on the clock was about 1:30am. she grabbed my little sisters medicine (which was little disovlable pills) and they spilt all over the floor. she bent down to pick them up and when she stood up the room was going. when she all of a sudden woke up she couldnt move. thats when she called me.

so here my mom was laying there. unable to move. relying on my being able to hear her from all the way down the hall to help her.

longest 15 minutes of my life might i add. laying there. holding my moms head. blood under me. so the firemen got there. then my aunt. then the paramedics. then my grandma. we all tried to figure out what fully happened but we were unable to figure it out at the time. we were all scared. i stayed in the living room bawling while they strapped her up and took her away. lucky for me they cleaned up the pile of blood (that had been sitting there for almost 2 hours) my aunt stayed with my sister and i while my grandma followed my mom to make sure she was ok. my aunt called my stepdad to let him know what was going on. he came home that weekend.

the day went on. i had a test. pictures and everything. i was so tired from being up that school took forever. i kept crying because i was scared. i didnt know what was going on with my mom. what was happening. i was lost, scared, and even though i had the comfort of one the most paticent people i know, krystal. but i still felt alone. what would i do if my mom was going to die? what was i going to do if something was seriously wrong with my mom? what was i going to do. i couldnt think of anything else that day. my mom was the only thing on my mind. and i was tired. but if i tried to close my eyes and sleep, the picture popped back into my head.

after school my aunt got me and we went to the hospital. they ran test on my mom all day long. she was a little cubical thing with annoying and gross neighbors next to her. lucky for me she got to come home the next day. she had scraped her head falling on our cabnet handles.

my mom has neurocardiogenic syncope.

basically the nerve from her brain to her heart tells her to faint. its really complicated but she is on medicine for it. still to this day it worries me. when shes stressed i worry. i feel like its something that im always going to worry about. but then again, shes my mom. im suppose to worry about her just like she worries about me. im also scared that it is something that maybe one day, i might have to deal with as well. but thats not something i should spend my time worrying about.

so now you know why i over use the saying I LOVE YOU when it comes to my mom. i dont know whats going to happen. and i want her to know that if its the last time that shes hearing from me, or im hearing from her that i do love her.

so my word of advice if you want it or not, make sure you let the people in your life that mean the most to you know that you do love them, because in the blink of an eye  everything could be changed.

new year, new everything.

its been awhile since ive blogged. today i am in the mood for it since january is almost over. the year began just like the other one ended. being hurt because of a guy. but that is nothing new and ive been learning how to deal with it so its not that big of a deal. so far, ive realized a lot of changes. one of them is drama. ive learned to stay out of it and im glad :) im out of high school so i dont need to be drawn in by their crap. plus i have a lot of my own things going on. last semester i kinda just gave up and didnt care. what did i get for that? losing my scholarship and my gpa dropping. but after my first day of school today, i know i will be getting it back. im working my butt off this semester. its a new chance and im taking it. so for now, im keeping my head high because i know if i fall then i know i have a strong group of people who will lift me back up when i need it<3 so heres to the new year, new semester of school and the always changing ways of life.

"A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost."

for me, this quote is 100% true. this is natalie. my little sister. i am 19 and she is 4. we have just over 14 years between us and she came into my life january 27th 2006. i was in the 8th grade at the time and couldnt be more excited. the day she was born i could not wait to hold her in my arms and be the best big sister i could be to her. i will remember the day she was born and the first two weeks of her life like they were yesturday. they rushed her from the c-section room to the nursery. all i remember see was this fat face wrapped up in a little hospital blanket. i knew something was wrong when they barely let us see her. turns out, i was right. shes inhaled blood that then went into her lungs. this kept her in the hospital and for her family only to see her through a window. her first 2 weeks of life were the hardest and she spent them hooked up to machines, iv's, feeding tubes. you name it, she had it attached to her. even though she looked like this little fat baby, she wasnt. she was just swollen. she was in stage 3 NICU and that is an experience i will never forget. rows and rows of babys. sick babies. some that wouldnt live through the night and their familys were spending their last moments with them. premature babies that were as small as your hand. honestly, it was depressing and it made me change my mind about being a NICU nurse. my biggest fear was that my little sister wouldnt make it through these challenges and that i would never get to hold her. and with her hooked up to all of those machines made me scared to even touch her little hand. but ever since the day my sister was born shes been a fighter. she made it through all of that though and got to come home the day february 13th 2006. all my mom wanted was to have my sister home for valentines day and she got her wish. life for me has never been the same since.  this little girl is my world and has been since i saw her being rolled down the hallway. i felt my life change when she was brought into. i love her and couldnt imagin life without her. and im glad that i never have to! shes my little shadow and i wouldnt have it any other way! :)

she had a tough first few years and was always getting sick. everytime she did it was the fear of her having to be back in the hospital. luckyly now shes so much healthier and i couldnt be more happy! yes now she is four years old and growing like a weed, but she reminds me to find the joys in the simple things. and with her, i do get a little bit of childhood again. shes my little booger and means the world to me. natalie is my half sister. but to me, it doesnt feel like it and i dont care what DNA or anything along those lines say. she is my sister. we share the same mom but have a different dad. but that too doesnt matter. ron is like a father to me. hes been there through everything and has watched me grow. i think (besides me and natalie) that he is the best thing that has ever happened to my mom. he makes her happy. and seeing my mom happy makes me happy. theyve been married for just over 5 years. and they gave me the best sister i could ever ask for. without my parents i honestly dont know where i would be in life. my whole family has a huge part in my life and they are all there for me, but these three people mean the world to me. something about coming home and just feeling the love (even if its a bad day and were all cranky, or were in the same room having conversations on facebook) we love eachother and thats all a family needs. but theres something special about natalie. we have a bond that no one can break or change. since the first time i held her it was there.



<-- this little girl is my world. even though shes four she understands me. and as weird as this may sound, shes my best friend. having me as her sister has in a way made her grow up to fast. she says stuff that you wouldnt expect a four year old to say, she like to have her hair and make up like mine, and she loves anything and everything to do with twilight<3 she talks boys with me, she jokes with me, and we can sit there and laugh about anything. i write her a journal. not like id give it to her, but for me it just helps me write to her to express my emotions. one day i will be able to talk to her about everything and she will have enough life experence to help me. but like i said. shes four. her biggest issue in life is when spongebob isnt on tv. no matter what happens in my life or during my day, i can walk in the door and she will turn the corner, look at me and yell, "SISSY!" and she will be running as fast as she can, wrap he arms around my legs and hug me. thats the best feeling. knowing i have someone who looks up to me. i look up to my mom, natalie looks up to me. yes, ive taught he some bad things and its true that little kids brains are like sponges because she remembers EVERYTHING! but were also like typical sisters. we fight, bicker, tease, scream, cry. you name an issue you have with your sister whos close in age, i have with mine. i will go to the ends of the earth for her. shes my number one and my everything. the song by taylor swift, never grow up, is my song to her. my life would be incomplete without her.

the monster within..

i have really developed anger issues lately. i take it out on anyone and everyone and i really need to learn to stop. i go to bed angry or pissed off and when i wake up im just not in the mood for the day. ive been self pittying my self and honestly i hate the person that ive become. last night i started writing in a journal. its basically a letter to my little sister because if she was old enough id talk to her about all of my problems. but right now shes not. i wrote about my day, then i wrote about all the feelings ive ever had (good or bad) for the boy that screwed me over yet again. today i woke up feeling refreshed and new. its a great feeling and i plan on keeping it up.

i want to get back to the old me. the always happy and go lucky me. im going to. im determined. i know im more than strong enough for it and its honestly time for me to get my head out of high school. i always tell everyone that were not in high school anymore so we need to stop acting like it, but honestly i myself have kinda still been living in the past. i just turned 19 last week. its my last year being a teenager. its time for me to start acting like an adult.

every year around new years i say that this year is going to be different. it starts off different but guess what. every year ends up the same as the one before. but not this time. im in college, i have a job, i have the most amazing family and my friends, theyre the best. im done trying to always make things in life better and make sure people are in my life. im going to learn to start walking away and moving on to bigger and better things.

within the last year ive burnt a lot of bridges and lost people who were once the most important things to me. ive realized that in some ways i was wrong and that its not all their fault. its just easier to blame them than realizing that you yourself is wrong. its time to grow up. and this is what i plan on doing. i shouldnt take my life for granted or take the people for granted in my life because honestly, people would kill to have the life i have. starting today, a new me is born :) im just upset it took me this long to realize.

and i see your true colors;

statement of my life lately. i guess ive always been in my own world and seen what i want to see. believe what i want to, and do what i want. i learned within the last few months who my true friends were and who werent.

you never think that your high school friends would turn on you in the blink of an eye; but they do. my mom tells me that you never stay friends with your high school friends. its the ones you make after high school that stick with you. and honestly, i believe it. high school is all about the numbers. how many friends you have. but what about after high school? the more friends you have, the more drama.

drama seems to follow me everywhere i go. i hate drama but somehow i always make my way through it. stronger than i was before and with new life lessons under my belt. since ive graduated, ive grown up a lot, become a new person (a person that i like and i dont care if you dont) and learned who my true friends are and seen a lot of peoples true colors.



shayla & jordyn<3

 these two girls right here, are there for me till the end. i never would of expected that these two would end up my best friends, but they are. without them by my side in the last few months i dont know what i would of done. when i had no one to turn to, they were there. these girls have been through a lot. and put them together and i dont think there is something that they havent gone through. theyre strong, beautiful, caring, loving, and everything. they will be my friends till the end. i will fight for them. even if i know they may be wrong about things, they mean the world to me. there isnt anyone in this world that will ever change that.



zachary<3

 this boy right here, hes my best friend. we fight, bicker, pick on eachother but thats just how we are. weve had many ups and downs but every relationship does. hes been there for me when i need him and ive been there for him. it will be that way till the day the earth stands still. yes i know how he can be and sometimes i just wanna shake him, but i still love him. zachary overbay, i love you kid!

these three will be by my side from this day forward. yes i do have more other friends, but these three, they mean the world to me. when i needed someone they all stood up and filled the empty spot. their true colors are bright and they complete my life. its like that dumb hannah montana song:

"true friends will go to the ends of the earth till they find the things you need. friends hang on through the ups and the downs, cause they've got someone to believe in."

i believe in them and they believe in me. which in the end, is all i need. someone to believe in me!